It's Christmas night 2015. I'm sitting here reflecting on life, and my journey.  It's been about 2.5 years since my bariatric surgery.  I've been a complete failure in continuing to write and update my blog.  Life has been a blur and writing has clearly not been a priority. Oh well. I can't be good at everything.

I weigh 142lbs now.  I've hovered between 140-150 for the past year.  I'm at my spot.  This is me. I'm thrilled with how far I've come and where my body has settled in its happy place.  I feel amazing.  My life has changed in so many positive ways as a result of losing the weight.

I'm more successful in my job. I'm happier in my marriage.  I'm healthier in a zillion ways. Having this surgery was the single best health decision I've ever made and I don't regret it for a second.

Two weeks ago I took another enormous step forward.  I had plastic surgery to remove the loose skin on my abdomen, and enhance my newly trim body.  I was fortunate to not need a "pannulectomy" as many weight loss surgery patients need, or a "body lift" after losing a full 100lbs.

I spent months researching and having consults with plastic surgeons discussing my case.  I finally found a surgeon that I trusted and clicked with on many levels.  She specializes in having very natural results and weight loss patients are a large part of her practice. On December 11th, 2015 I had a full abdominoplasty (Tummy tuck to repair torn stomach muscles and remove excess skin and tissue), liposuction of my flanks and hips, and I had a breast augmentation with silicone implants to revitalize the loss of breast volume and tissue I had after breast feeding two children and losing 100lbs. Never in a million years would I ever have imagined I'd be this girl.  You know, the one with the super flat tummy and the amazingly perfect boobs.  But guess what, it's Christmas day, and I woke up this morning and found a bikini under the Christmas tree and it fit me.  Also, I looked like a hot bitch in it. I die. I mean seriously, me...the former fat girl, is living this life for real.

I got christmas gifts from my husband that made me feel beautiful today.  This enormous physical change has created and even larger psychological change which I'm firmly convinced is the larger and more difficult journey that I've been on the past few years.

Feeling "Empty" vs. Feeling "Hungry"

It's been 13 months since my surgery, and it's taken me this long to really figure out the difference between feeling "empty" in my stomach, and actual hunger. It occurs to me that I don' t like the empty feeling much and in the past, I would shove food down my throat to cope with that feeling.  I've discovered that there is a big difference between empty and true hunger. 

I guess I'm a pretty slow learner.  Maybe if I'd worked more closely with a counselor or nutritionist, I would have wrapped my head around this earlier in the process.  The good news is, I'm consciously on to it now and looking out for it.  Not to say that I still don't have times where I'm needlessly feeding the "empty" feeling, but I'm not unconsciously gorging myself anymore.

What I've determined for myself is that true hunger is painful.  Hunger makes me grumpy, and I can't think of anything except food.  Sometimes I even feel lightheaded if I'm truly hungry.  For the record, hunger is pretty rare for me.  I'm not one of those girls who conveniently "forgets to eat".  Also, I don't live in a third world country, so there is that.

Empty for me is a kind of knawing feeling that is just uncomfortable for some reason.  Psychologically, I just don't like it.  I believe I've conditioned myself to "feed" that feeling.  I'm trying my best to recognize this feeling now, and I use water to hydrate and fill my stomach when it hits.  I feel better when I'm well hydrated, and I feel better when my stomach isn't completely empty.

I'm teaching myself that empty is okay.  One day at a time.

VACATION = ANXIETY

Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, right? Why do  I feel like I need to find the nearest tall bridge to jump off then? (Oh, don't get all freaky and call the suicide hotline, I'm just bitching here, nothing to worry about.) I'm just saying that vacations bring me a bit of anxiety.

If you don't already know it, I'm a total workaholic.  I work in a very fast paced, high stress job, and I never get time off.  This is the first real vacation I've taken in over 4 years.  I'm not even sure I still know how to relax.  I don't relax, ever.  I don't know when the last time I slept past 6am was.  I'm just really kind of a stresscase. My phone is always on, and I'm on call all the time.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning to take my kids to the beach for a week.  We are meeting a big group of my extended family and having a mini-reunion.  There will also be a fun little beach wedding thrown in to the mix during the week.  My phone is going off, my email left unattended, and I'm not bringing an alarm clock. This alone gives me a major sense of anxiety.

Here's where I really freak out.  Nobody outside my immediate family knows that I had surgery.  They may have seen pics of me on facebook and wondered why I look different, I don't know? Many of my family members are also overweight.  I hope that I serve as an inspiration to them versus a topic of catty gossip throughout the week.  It will be interesting to say the least.  I'm proud of me, and I guess that's all that matters.

Then there's the whole what am I going to eat to stick to my fairly militant high protein paleo diet this week question looming in my knoggin. I'm planning ahead, but there's about a 90% chance that the plan will be tossed aside and I'll use that phrase from "Risky Business" ..."sometimes you just have to say 'what the fuck'". While I don't see donuts in my future, the chances of fried fish and chips appearing on a plate near me soon are great.  I am making a conscious decision ahead of time to not beat myself up about my food choices this week. I've spent the better part of my life beating myself up for being a diet failure, there is no need to continue that trend now.  I love myself too much to be mean like that.

I don't even want to get into the whole topic of wearing swimsuits in public for the first time in literally a decade.  I'm not sure who it will be more scary for? Me, because I'm really body conscious and still trying to learn to be comfortable in my newly leaner body, or those around me, because this body hasn't seen the light of day in years and is GHOST WHITE.  Think Casper.  Frightening, right?

Tossing my fears aside, my goals for the week are simple.  I'm going to learn to sleep in again. Ride my bike along the coast. Take walks on the beach. Read good books. Ride a shitload of waves. Rock a bathing suit in public and just love it. Go to a wedding and eat cake. Smile and laugh a lot.

When I get back, it will be only a few days until the one year anniversary of my surgery.  I can't wait.  That day is very important to me.  It's the day I took my life back.

Wearing a Dress, for the first time in YEARS

This may sound small and silly, but I'm unbelievably excited that I went to a store, bought a DRESS, and I'm wearing it tonight to my son's 8th grade graduation.  I tried it on last night for my husband, and he said "Wow, you look HOT!"

I haven't even owned a dress or a skirt for at least 10 years.  I'm just over 10 months out from surgery, and down to a size 10 now, so I thought it was time to try it.  I forgot what it was like to feel pretty.  Pretty cool stuff!

Weight Update - 10 Months Post-Op Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy

It's been 10 months since my surgery and I'm down to 155lbs. That is 85lbs gone. I can't believe I'm here.  Seriously, I wouldn't have believed it if you told me this would happen a year ago.  I know, I was hoping this would happen, but in my heart I never thought it was possible.  My ongoing struggle with weight loss attempts conditioned me to set very low expectations for myself to avoid the disappointment of another failed intervention.  What I've discovered this past 10 months is that I'm stronger than I ever imagined.  I'm not losing weight to be skinny anymore, I'm training to be badass! I've only just begun this journey!

My dress size is a womens 10 now.  I wore a 20 the day of surgery.  My labwork is totally normal.  My blood pressure is totally normal.  I no longer need to use a CPAP machine to breathe at night while I sleep.  I only take one medicine now, and that's to help with gastric reflux, that I've always had.

My only regret, and I'll say this forever, is that I waited so long to do this!

My Newest Favorite Thing - Podcasts!

While my "favorite things" aren't quite as elaborate or awe inspiring as Oprah's, I still feel like you should know about them.  (All two of you who actually read this.)

One of my new favorite things is a podcast by Reeger Cortell, FNP- C called "Weight Loss Surgery Podcast". You can find it here: http://www.weightlosssurgerypodcast.com/ I was able to quickly go to the podcast app on my iphone and download multiple episodes in a matter of minutes.

I'm feeling particularly blessed, because the show's host, Reeger Cortell is a Nurse Practitioner in my bariatric surgeons office that is involved with my care.  She told me about her podcast venture on a recent visit to have my labwork checked.  I'm so grateful to her that she mentioned it to me, as it's truly become something I value in my journey to become a better me.

I have a crazy work schedule and spend a great number of hours behind the wheel driving to different destinations.  Listening to this podcast has been a great way for me to stay engaged, listen to something interesting and ultimately healing and helpful, and pass the time while I drive. 

I really enjoy Reeger's calm demeanor and insight as a host.  She has a wealth of information and wisdom from her years in medicine, and specifically caring for those who struggle with weight loss and all the emotional, physical, and surrounding issues that effect her patients. The podcasts often include interviews with patients, physician experts, and others who contribute to the overall care of patients who are involved in the weight loss surgery process.

As a person who has struggled for years with my own demons regarding weight loss, it has been incredible for me to listen to Reeger's interview with patients on subjects like emotional eating, what we believe and our own self-talk, and our fears as we approach subjects like the possibility of going under the knife.  The first two episodes I listened to had me in tears, because I could relate so much to what was being said and it really hit home for me. I am a rare weight loss surgery patient, as I never attended the "in-person" required support group meetings.  I had my surgery out of town, and my physician agreed to allow me to skip his support group due to my travel distance under the condition that I'd find another group to attend in person or online.  I have been faithfully participating online speaking to others through the www.thinnertimesforum.com (which I'd also highly recommend) and I find that listening to this podcast is also an equally valuable source of camaraderie and information.

If you are struggling to get fit, feel healthy, might be considering weight loss surgery at all, I'd suggest that you listen to this podcast.  Its well done, very good information, and one of my new favorite things!

I'm in a Stall....Grrrrr

Its been six long weeks since I've lost a pound.  Seriously.  I'm so annoyed.  I'm eating right, and nothing is changing.  This is the longest stall I've had since my surgery.  It's pretty normal for me to stall for a few weeks and then lose a bunch overnight.  It sort of goes in stair steps for me.  I think this is a fairly normal progression for lots of folks.  I'm not sure whats different about this?  I'm 164lbs now.  I'm 29 pounds from my goal weight, and the weight loss seems much more difficult now.  I know that if I stick to my plan, and keep my calories managed and my protein intake high, the weight will come off.  But, I'm still frustrated. 

I physically feel great right now.  I definitely have tons more energy than I ever did before surgery.  I'm not even sure how I carried around all that weight every day?  No wonder I was always tired.  I see my doctor in a few weeks to check my labwork and have an evaluation of how I'm doing so far.  I'm looking forward to talking to him about my progress. 

Even though I'm grumpy about being the same weight for the past six weeks, when I look at the big picture I am so happy with how far I've come this year.  This time last year, I was doing the preparatory classes and legwork to get my insurance to approve my surgery.  I couldn't have imagined how well I'd do at this point. 

A few things have changed, like...

I'm wearing medium sized womens clothing now.  I used to be a XXL.
I've bought bras at Victoria's Secret! (the secret really is that fat girls can't shop here.)
I can walk up a flight of stairs without being winded at all.
I can actually run now without feeling like I'm going to die.
I can sit in an airplane seat without spilling over the edges and maxing out the seatbelt.
People smile at me more now.  (Sad, but true.)
People I know, don't recognize me at first.  I love when this happens.
I'm looking forward to buying a bathing suit for this summer for the first time in 20 years!
I've given my entire wardrobe to charity.
I've looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was pretty. (this is HUGE)
I feel good consistently.
I'm sleeping better.